Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
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My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
the h in university stands for happiness
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
“Knight to f3”
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
I Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m seriously hoping that she’s having an affair.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!