@mel_pollen

So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.

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@hunz74

The most rewarding part of my job is meeting and working with so many uniquely terrible personalities.

@Jake_Vig

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

@ArfMeasures

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

@THEDUTHCHESS

I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.

@Home_Halfway

Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant

@Dutch_50

I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.

@markysumm

Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.

@_davidlucas_

Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*

@WilliamAder

Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.

@Eves1

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?