So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.

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Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor


911: What’s your emergency?

Me: He text me first. Just to say hi. What do I do?!

911: Be cool

Me: I sent him a list of baby names instead


friend: how’d you get all that money?

me: i made a deal with the devil


the devil: $30k for the car, final offer

me: ok deal


Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.

Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.


Her: come over

Me: are your parents home?

Her: no 😉



Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because they’ll never find the body.


My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.


My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.


Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.


If you cant beat’em, join’em! Then kill them while they’re sleeping.