@mel_pollen

So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.

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@Kendragarden

Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor

@Snarfernini

911: What’s your emergency?

Me: He text me first. Just to say hi. What do I do?!

911: Be cool

Me: I sent him a list of baby names instead

@TheHyyyype

friend: how’d you get all that money?

me: i made a deal with the devil

[earlier]

the devil: $30k for the car, final offer

me: ok deal

@IamJackBoot

Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.

Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Her: come over

Me: are your parents home?

Her: no 😉

Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!

@myonlymizztake

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because they’ll never find the body.

@badbanana

My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

@JacobLevenson

My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.

@ImHopel3ss

If you cant beat’em, join’em! Then kill them while they’re sleeping.