So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.

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The most rewarding part of my job is meeting and working with so many uniquely terrible personalities.


I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.


HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex


I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.


Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant


I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.


Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.


Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*


Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.


Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?