so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
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You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!