“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
home alarm- anniversary
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
She called and said she didn’t have anywhere else to go, so I agreed with her.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.