@SophGalustian

so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her

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@peterjames48

“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)

@Skoog

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i can cry

professor x: on command?

me: no just when i’m sad or whatever

professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?

me: nope

professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?

@Marlebean

Passwords:

Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious

@jdawsey1

NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”

@BCMontgo

Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*

@TommyKarate

She called and said she didn’t have anywhere else to go, so I agreed with her.

@ObscureGent

If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.

@brandynwiththey

I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.

@Jarhead44

I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.

Go Soccers!

@TheCiscoKidder

My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.