So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
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restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.