@truegritrumble: So my wife discovered I keep writing "please help me" in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I'm not allowed to have checks.
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@Peauxtassium: Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
@ArfMeasures: Me: I can't think of any life goals Wife: God could you be any lazier? Me: ooh good one
@TheAndrewNadeau: EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.