@truegritrumble

So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.

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@MichaelTrying

“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”

-Amazon suggestions logic

@murrman5

*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?

@QwertyJones3

I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.

@RandomAntics

When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.

@UncleDuke1969

[working late]

ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.

CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.

ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.

@tweetfaver

hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
?it’s just a bruuuise ?

@causticbob

Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand

@EndhooS

[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.

@NewDadNotes

[first day as a dirty cop]

Partner: did you plant the drugs?

Me: yep, we gotta come back and water them every day though.