“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
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*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
?it’s just a bruuuise ?
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
I won’t be in today
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
[first day as a dirty cop]
Partner: did you plant the drugs?
Me: yep, we gotta come back and water them every day though.