So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
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My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Wake me when AI does housework
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.