So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
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Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
#catsoftwitter
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
These aren’t even hard anymore.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*