So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.

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ME: You bring that cash you owe me?

ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.

ME: No you didn’t.


*phone rings

Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’

Me: ‘Can you do it?’


As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.


The doctor told me I need to rest so I dropped the kids off at his office & now he won’t stop calling me as if that’s going to help me rest.


Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.


is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies


I’m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.


“Well boy,” I yell to my dog, seated in the basket of my pushbike as we plummet to the rocks below, “naming you E.T. clearly wasn’t enough.”


Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.