@Reverend_Scott
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
@IndecisiveJones
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
You Might Also Like
@Reverend_Scott
@better_off_dad2
*phone rings
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Can you do it?’
@daemonic3
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
@outsmartedmommy
The doctor told me I need to rest so I dropped the kids off at his office & now he won’t stop calling me as if that’s going to help me rest.
@ReeseButCallMeV
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
@CantWaitToNap
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
@jonnysun
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
@juliussharpe
I’m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.
@ruinedpicnic
“Well boy,” I yell to my dog, seated in the basket of my pushbike as we plummet to the rocks below, “naming you E.T. clearly wasn’t enough.”
@mortimermaiden
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.