So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
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Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
this has done me in for some reason
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom