So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
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It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives