@Brentweets

So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything

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@Holy_Mowgli

baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold

mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear

@emilymaej

I told my niece if I cut her open she would just be made of chicken quesadillas and she said if she cut me open I’d just be dead. Smart kid.

@Reverend_Scott

WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.

ME: Ok, I will.

[later that day]

ME: I quit

BOSS: WHAT??

ME: I said, nice squid

@Darlainky

Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.

Siri: Step over the dog.

@mela_shea

Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.

@tonygootana

16 and pregnant should be followed by 26 and sucking c**k for crack.

@jordan_stratton

You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.