So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything

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baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold

mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear


I told my niece if I cut her open she would just be made of chicken quesadillas and she said if she cut me open I’d just be dead. Smart kid.


WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.

ME: Ok, I will.

[later that day]

ME: I quit


ME: I said, nice squid


Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.

Siri: Step over the dog.


Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.


16 and pregnant should be followed by 26 and sucking c**k for crack.


You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.