So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
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Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.