@Halbeerz

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

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@ItsAndyRyan

Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.

@TheBoydP

I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…

@pinupteacher

Hey baby, lemme see what’s under that shell.

Ugh, as if. *Lady turtle starts walking away.*

[3 hours later]

I still see you there baby.

@tracietom

If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.

@SamGrittner

People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.

@djdarrellripley

Me: What happened to all the bourbon?

Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.

Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.

@geekysteven

BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip

@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to the top 5 cards in the world, library, get well, business, gift, and Captain Jean Luc Pi.

@gabemakesmusic

I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”

@meralee727

Being self employed during a quarantine is so annoying….all my boss wants to do is nap, drink wine and watch The Real Housewives of whatever