So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
You Might Also Like
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
english majors be like furthermore
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.