So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

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Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.


I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…


Hey baby, lemme see what’s under that shell.

Ugh, as if. *Lady turtle starts walking away.*

[3 hours later]

I still see you there baby.


If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.


People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.


Me: What happened to all the bourbon?

Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.

Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.


BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip


Shout out to the top 5 cards in the world, library, get well, business, gift, and Captain Jean Luc Pi.


I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”


Being self employed during a quarantine is so annoying….all my boss wants to do is nap, drink wine and watch The Real Housewives of whatever