Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
You Might Also Like
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
I’m literally crying
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
My favorite female superhero
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?