So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
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“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
so weird how every mom was born today
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom