so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
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Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*