so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*

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Being funny is connecting two unrelated things and making a joke, said my parents


“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”


When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.


My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.


[God creating teenagers]

What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?


me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]


*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.

“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”


“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.


A car gets better traction in the snow if you throw a couple of coworkers in the trunk.