Being funny is connecting two unrelated things and making a joke, said my parents
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
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“Can we go outside and play now?”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“You did that on purpose.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
“I don’t know what else to say…”
Me, giving my husband false hope
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
A car gets better traction in the snow if you throw a couple of coworkers in the trunk.