so no one told you life was gonna be this way
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That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list