So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. š
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itās either covid or clever vampires
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Top Seven Things Men Donāt See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
š¤Ø
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
sure recipes like āmarry me chickenā are cute but whereās the āitās your turn to clean the bathroom casseroleā
Donāt donate your plasma. Itās a big scam and theyāre just using it to make TVs.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Good morning!
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, youāre right Iām a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes maāam
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like ādang sir what you gonna do with all thatā¦ā I wasnāt aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Why is a zombieās strongest primal instinct always āviolent hungerā when their organs donāt work? I feel like Iād just want to collect frogs