@Robert_Beau

So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.

You Might Also Like

@PressOneForNo

I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18

@Shen_the_Bird

[arriving in hell]

me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever

satan: where did you even find denim underwear

@JordyHamrick

Ladies, the next time a guy has the courage to talk to you, remember he’s not wearing makeup. Also, remember what you look like without it.

@Home_Halfway

I occasionally sew religious clothing but I’d never make a habit of it.

@KeetPotato

reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”

@ClichedOut

Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.

@novicefather

My grandma coined the term “TC” in 1988 to refer to her tuna casserole.

@JessicaVarsity

Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.

@bridger_w

If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”

@OfficeofSteve

I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in