So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.

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I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18


[arriving in hell]

me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever

satan: where did you even find denim underwear


Ladies, the next time a guy has the courage to talk to you, remember he’s not wearing makeup. Also, remember what you look like without it.


I occasionally sew religious clothing but I’d never make a habit of it.


reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”


Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.


My grandma coined the term “TC” in 1988 to refer to her tuna casserole.


Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.


If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”


I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in