So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
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#parenting
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Alexa; make it look like an accident
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this