So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
You Might Also Like
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
I’m having an out of money experience.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg