so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
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After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
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