*breathes* – gets heartburn
*drinks some water* – gets heartburn
*has sex* – gets heartburn
*makes a joke* – gets heartburn
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
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I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
I went to the movies with a girl last night. I paid for the tickets & the snacks, & anything else I can before she reports her card stolen.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
“Happy birthday! ”
– Oh wow! A necklace! I love- wait… Did you get me a fake diamond?
“Well, it’s not really your 29th birthday either”
My boss took me out to dinner to celebrate my promotion, but after he watched me eat ribs for 20 minutes, I was given a severance package.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.