@Pulse_NYC

So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.

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@drayzze

*breathes* – gets heartburn

*drinks some water* – gets heartburn

*has sex* – gets heartburn

*makes a joke* – gets heartburn

@AnitaHelmet

I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.

And to their wives. And their local fire departments.

@CrockettForReal

[first day in Hell]

Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here

Devil: there is no escape

Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]

@david8hughes

I went to the movies with a girl last night. I paid for the tickets & the snacks, & anything else I can before she reports her card stolen.

@markedly

Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.

@Sickayduh

“Happy birthday! ”

– Oh wow! A necklace! I love- wait… Did you get me a fake diamond?

“Well, it’s not really your 29th birthday either”

@ComedicBust

My boss took me out to dinner to celebrate my promotion, but after he watched me eat ribs for 20 minutes, I was given a severance package.

@pixelatedboat

“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world

@mostlysharks

it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something

@envydatropic

40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.