If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
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When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?