So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
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No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
The first one, obviously
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”