Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
You Might Also Like
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’