So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
You Might Also Like
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
jesus christ confetti not now
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
rapatouille
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine