The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
So sad America ranks 25th in the world in math. But at least we’re still in the top 10.
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Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
11yo: Daddy, why can’t we get a dog?
Me: I like our house the way it is.
11: What, small?
Me: Go to your drawer.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
professor x: yes, i can read minds
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
ME: Is this Babies R Us
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
ME: Get me your manager
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.