So sad America ranks 25th in the world in math. But at least we’re still in the top 10.

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Friend: What are you doing this weekend?

Me: Amusement Pork.

Friend: You mean Amusement Park?

Me: No, I don’t.


I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break


It’s Saturday and over 10 boxes just got delivered.

It’s like Amazon wants me to get a divorce.


Me: *curling my hair*

Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.


Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?


“A cop pulled me over came up to the window and said, i smell marijuana… i said, i smell bacon… yeah i was that high lol”


Me: But I was singing Britney Spears

Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”

Me: That’s a lyric

Bouncer: You were in the bathroom


Listen, I’ve been stuck atop this condemned lighthouse for weeks now, and you don’t hear me complaining. No one does


This year I’m going to put the mistletoe in my back pocket, so people I hate can kiss my ass.


[Wild West car dealership]
cowboy: what kind of car do you sell?
dealer: audi
cowboy: yeah hi what kind of car do you sell?