[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
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If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.