@Travon

So sad America ranks 25th in the world in math. But at least we’re still in the top 10.

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@ShootyDoody

Friend: What are you doing this weekend?

Me: Amusement Pork.

Friend: You mean Amusement Park?

Me: No, I don’t.

@murrman5

I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break

@CantWaitToNap

It’s Saturday and over 10 boxes just got delivered.

It’s like Amazon wants me to get a divorce.

@difficultpatty

Me: *curling my hair*

Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?

@TheTimeIGotHigh

“A cop pulled me over came up to the window and said, i smell marijuana… i said, i smell bacon… yeah i was that high lol”

@Browtweaten

Me: But I was singing Britney Spears

Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”

Me: That’s a lyric

Bouncer: You were in the bathroom

@MavenofHonor

Listen, I’ve been stuck atop this condemned lighthouse for weeks now, and you don’t hear me complaining. No one does

@ExtraGrumpyCat

This year I’m going to put the mistletoe in my back pocket, so people I hate can kiss my ass.

@oscarewilde

[Wild West car dealership]
cowboy: what kind of car do you sell?
dealer: audi
cowboy: yeah hi what kind of car do you sell?