This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
You Might Also Like
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?