@lazerdoov

So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.

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@Darlainky

I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.

@Mr_Kapowski

*wears a tuxedo tshirt to interview as a joke*

McDonald’s Manager: Oh wow, are you from corporate?

@Sickayduh

“What’s that?”
– My new boss. He’s very deciduous”
“Decisive?”
– Nope. I carved him from a potted tree.
*squirrel peeks out of his mouth*

@Sara_Rose_G

When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.

@dorkwing_duck

[PRESS CONFERENCE]

Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby

Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?

Me: sure, whoever

@TheBoydP

I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.

Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.

@daemonic3

Can me and you go out sometime?

“No, your grammar is too poor”

Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?

@girl_a_whirl

Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.

@audipenny

NOW HIRING: An employee

JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for

@MandyLand314

Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.