So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
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Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
When the stylist spins you back around
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon