So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
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Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.