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When Chipotle says, “Guacamole is $1.50 extra, is that ok?” I pause, then say, “Hang on, let me call my financial advisor.”


[gently brushes your hair out of your face]

“You’re gonna be so pissed when you wake up and see your haircut,” I whisper


nobody has better posture than a 5’8 guy dating a 5’8 girl


[Girl’s night out]

Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there

Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME


If you haven’t nervously googled “signs that your child is a psychopath” are you even a parent?


[End of day 1, building Rome]

Builder: We’ve finished, boss

Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks


She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.

I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.

I can’t wheat to see her!

I’m in loaf.


My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.


I like to whisper my questions to the Librarian so they can ask me to speak louder


age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]