How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
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Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Angry beavers can’t get our packaging open, but go ahead and try in your weakened state lol
-cold medicine companies
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”