So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
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whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up