@MattyIceUS

So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.

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@BitchyJasmine

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing he’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

@1BigMick

Hey guy that puts the stickers on tomatoes, nobody likes you.

@o__0Dev

On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.

@NervousJr

Don’t feel like going to the gym?

Go to all your ex’s facebook pages and see who they’re dating now.

Then go to the gym.

@lazerdoov

Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!

Friend: cool

Me: yeah even blood

Friend: um I gotta go

Me: lol no you’re staying

@SondraDeeMe

Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?

@vineyille

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

@maebemarbles

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs