@MattyIceUS

So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.

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@3BlindMike

How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?

@Mostly_Cheese

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes

Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds

Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well

@ArfMeasures

Me: I can’t think of any life goals

Wife: God could you be any lazier?

Me: ooh good one

@thebeckyard

Angry beavers can’t get our packaging open, but go ahead and try in your weakened state lol

-cold medicine companies

@MikeBigby

[Airport security supervillain screening]

AGENT: Spell ‘haha’

ME: OK, ‘M’,–

AGENT: ur under arrest

@StevieKnip

Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car

@Eden_Eats

I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.

@envydatropic

So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….

@badbanana

If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.

@KeetPotato

me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”