“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
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Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*