“so she’s gay now?”

yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden

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Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.


formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing


ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses


HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u


“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”

9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.

“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”


When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace


When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens


Hey plastic surgeons, breast implants with squeaker toys in em. Get on that