“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
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If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo