Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
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I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there