So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
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Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
A new level of troll.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
sigh
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.