So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.

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Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people…or sometimes floors


“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”

Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*


If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one


me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years


You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel


It’s illegal to shine a laser pointer at a plane because a cat might attack the plane


Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!

Me: I know

Hub: Pass the foot powder.

~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again


The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.


tour guide: here are the sharks

me: bitey boi

guide: …and over here, a swordfish

me: pointy boi

guide: get out of the aquarium


I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.