@JaneBadall

So sorry I hit a nerve. I was actually aiming for a major artery.

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@Schmoodles

Me: When does karaoke start?

Him: Never.

Me: But I put my
“I ? Karaoke” t-shirt on.

Him: We noticed.

Me: This is the worst funeral ever.

@bossy_bootz

You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it

@wolfmannjr

“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward

@psychogoddess

How is it when my son has homework,I have to be involved??

Dude,I already did my time.

@thepunningman

Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd

@pilau

My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well

@rohoxbaby

tip: glue a tiny mirror onto your drivers license photo so, when you hand it to the cops, they will get confused & arrest themselves instead

@HeyZeus666

My dad use to take me to the circus to see the tattooed man and the bearded lady. Now, I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.