So sorry I hit a nerve. I was actually aiming for a major artery.

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Me: When does karaoke start?

Him: Never.

Me: But I put my
“I ? Karaoke” t-shirt on.

Him: We noticed.

Me: This is the worst funeral ever.


You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it


“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward


How is it when my son has homework,I have to be involved??

Dude,I already did my time.


Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd


My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well


tip: glue a tiny mirror onto your drivers license photo so, when you hand it to the cops, they will get confused & arrest themselves instead


My dad use to take me to the circus to see the tattooed man and the bearded lady. Now, I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.