@SomeChrisTweets

SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”

SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”

- @SomeChrisTweets

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@Sassafrantz

The Orthodontist wants to pull my daughter’s 2 loose baby teeth & charge me $250. I bought the biggest bag of caramels I could find for $5.

@usermcuserface

10 years later if Romeo and Juliet had lived:
Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?

Sigh….trying to watch the game here Julie.

@melibuff

That’s shocking!! Hold on.

*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*

Ok. Go on.

@phalguy

?dishes
?laundry
?vacuuming
?dusting
?me

*Things that won’t get done today.

@i_Lean

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane

ME: This is my therapy ham

@Works4Shots

How to get mustard out of your white shirt..
1) go to a store
2) buy a new shirt

@NicestHippo

I was on my way to commit a heinous act of religiously motivated violence but then I saw a Coexist bumper sticker

@WhtUReallyMean

I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.

@GensPlace

I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.

It’s your fault.

@ItsAndyRyan

“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”