– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
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[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”