“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
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Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.