Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
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Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
📽️movie date🎞️
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
How do you like your Corgi?
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit