” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
You Might Also Like
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
The Wolf of Wall Street.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!