PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
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Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Pickled cat.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺