January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
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Weighing up my bread heating options
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
This line from Airplane.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?