Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
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I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no