I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
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if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Not messing around
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂