@bmarked21

So the suicide hotline is only for prevention and not for nominating people who should kill themselves. Sucks. I made a list and everything.

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@DontTouchMyWine

I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.

@RadWizzy

(at the doctor)

Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.

@Cryborg2000

[calling my cousin while babysitting his kids] yo the one with the ski mask and the knife is refusing to go to bed

@natedeschaine

How disturbingly inappropriate would it be if “Thomas the Tank Engine” was set in early-1940s Germany? #ThomasDieKleineLokomotive

@pinupteacher

[Chaperoning field trip]

ME BEFORE WE GO: Only rule is don’t lose any kids.

AFTER I LOSE A KID: New rule. You’re allowed to lose one kid.

@leslid79

I wear my heart on my sleeve because if I wore it on my chest, it’d just get mustard stains on it.

@sarbadi

I’m at Target and just overheard a mom tell her toddler, “Well, unfortunately, you’re human.” I don’t know the whole story, but SAME.

@Phook75

The upside to having kids is how you’re able to use them as an excuse to cancel unwanted plans

@KyleMcDowell86

*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.