@causticbob

So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.

Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?

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@LipLush1

911: what’s your emergency?

me: I taught my Dad how to text

911: the problem ma’am?

me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”

@goulden_eye

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.

@AnitaHelmet

Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?

I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.

Wait.

Two. I have 2 kids.

@Jenny4ashley

Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?

@bobby

[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]

@ShutUpThatsWho

[first date]

OK don’t let her know you’re a snail

Waiter: Would you like some salt?

[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]

@dog_feelings

the human has started opening and shutting the garage door. pretending to have just gotten home. because they missed how excited that makes me

@AngelaEhh

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

@AnniemuMary

My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?