911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
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Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
the human has started opening and shutting the garage door. pretending to have just gotten home. because they missed how excited that makes me
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?