So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
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If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring