So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
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MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.