@tat2dsoccermom

So, this co-worker stated that she makes ice cubes with her leftover alcohol. I’m confused. What’s leftover alcohol?

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@trojansauce

*drinks milkshake*
*runs to yard*
*sifts through all the boys*
*sighs*
*puts up more posters for missing son*

@ch000ch

9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas

@RachelNoise

A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.

@dumbbeezie

Naked and Afraid but it’s just you in someone else’s bathroom with a toilet that won’t flush

@TheAlexNevil

First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.

@alyssalimp

The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow

@perfumegenius

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

@joejwest

[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing

@TEXASVETERAN

All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.

@BoogTweets

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*