*runs to yard*
*sifts through all the boys*
*puts up more posters for missing son*
So, this co-worker stated that she makes ice cubes with her leftover alcohol. I’m confused. What’s leftover alcohol?
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9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just you in someone else’s bathroom with a toilet that won’t flush
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*