If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
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I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Barbie gone wild
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Okay me first
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
This is a whole mood;
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.