My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
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I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever