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My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!