(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
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me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
That’s no pocket rocket.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
my dad has had enough
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.