@Cali_Kid_Mike

So this smoke detector is trying to tell me the battery is so dangerously low that it can only beep 4000 times?

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@Juice2Wavy

Condoms dont really guarantee full protection during sex. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got shot by the girls boyfriend.

@Amiigat

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

@Mikecanrant

*puts baby marshmallows on a porcupine*

There you go little guy. Now you’re bouncy.

@SteveSuckington

“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”

-oh, u drive a school bus?

“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”

@moxieblogger

My kids tell me I drink too much.

It’s funny they don’t make the connection.

@sexncake

My favourite mythical creature is the happy woman in the tampon adverts

@jimmytorosian

Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.

Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’

Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.

@ClickBaite

Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …

*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now