Condoms dont really guarantee full protection during sex. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got shot by the girls boyfriend.
So this smoke detector is trying to tell me the battery is so dangerously low that it can only beep 4000 times?
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If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
*puts baby marshmallows on a porcupine*
There you go little guy. Now you’re bouncy.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
she has a point
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
My favourite mythical creature is the happy woman in the tampon adverts
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now