You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
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Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”