@Juice2Wavy
Condoms dont really guarantee full protection during sex. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got shot by the girls boyfriend.
@Cali_Kid_Mike
So this smoke detector is trying to tell me the battery is so dangerously low that it can only beep 4000 times?
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@Juice2Wavy
@wumbummer
@Amiigat
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
@Mikecanrant
*puts baby marshmallows on a porcupine*
There you go little guy. Now you’re bouncy.
@SteveSuckington
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
@calvinstowell
she has a point
@moxieblogger
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
@sexncake
My favourite mythical creature is the happy woman in the tampon adverts
@jimmytorosian
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
@ClickBaite
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now